An excerpt from The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments by Dan Liebke and Alex Bowden – Order now via liebcricket.com/ridiculousashes
Where, exactly, did the wheels come off in England’s 2021-22 Ashes campaign?
There are some England fans (and players!) who pinpoint the decision to tour in the first place as the moment, given the heavy Covid restrictions in place in Australia at the time. “All well and good for other nations to tour our green and pleasant kingdom during these pandemic times,” seemed to be the logic. “But to have our lads reciprocate? Be reasonable.”
Of course, this simple idea of refusing to play the Ashes in Australia would have saved England fans a lot of disappointment over the past 30 years. So you can see the appeal.
Once England made the dumb mistake to embark on an Ashes tour, though, it’s possible the wheels were detached as early as the warm-up matches. Limited to a couple of games against an England Lions XI, the Brisbane weather conspired to wash out all but 29 overs of the first three-day match.
The second, four-day match almost got a full day of play in. Based on these trends, a third match, had it existed and been scheduled to take place over, say, fifteen to eighteen days, might have just about provided sufficient preparation for the first Test. Unluckily for England, this third match’s shortness of length and lack of existence went against them.
Another thing that went against England as they approached the first Test (and another early candidate for the moment of wheel disengagement) was the decision to not select their two most experienced bowlers. James Anderson and Stuart Broad were instead sent off to explore the great Brisbane tourist attractions (the Story Bridge, The King Wally Lewis Statue, the other end of the Story Bridge) while the rest of the team played.
Rory Burns being bowled first ball of the series, and the ensuing collapse (3/11, 5/60, 8/122, all out 147 – choose your dismantling poison) that set up a first Test defeat by nine wickets? Just a few more points where one might detect some dislodging of wheels.
Assuming, however, that you’re of the mind that the worst that can happen to one’s wheels one Test into a five-match series is some severe loosening, the lead-up to the second Test offered hope for England. Australia’s new captain Pat Cummins was ruled out of the Test having carelessly dined in a restaurant near one of the 25 people in the entire state of South Australia who had tested positive to the virus at the time.
Josh Hazlewood was out with a series-ending side strain. Anderson and Broad were back for England to bowl under lights in the day/night Test. Any rickety England wheels from the Gabba drubbing were surely having their nuts tightened heading into Adelaide.
Also having his nuts tightened? England captain Joe Root, who was hit in the boxless testicles during warm-ups prior to the fourth day’s play. Root was sent to hospital for scans and missed the first hour’s play, with Ben Stokes taking over captaincy duties (if you can imagine such a thing!).
Joe Root gets hit on the box by Mitchell Starc. (Getty Images)
By that stage of the Test, England’s wheels were rather wobbly once more. Australia were 282 in front with nine wickets in hand, Jos Buttler was fumbling regulation catches off Marnus Labuschagne, and Ollie Robinson was about to start inexplicably bowling off spin.
To ensure maximum wobbliness, a ruthless Mitchell Starc hit Root in the nuts once more in the final session, then took his wicket. England closed out the day 386 runs short of victory with six wickets remaining.
While England had no chance of winning the Test, Buttler strove to redeem his earlier fumbling glovework. England’s greatest white ball batter therefore eschewed his usual big-hitting explosiveness and instead played for the draw, batting more than two sessions and 200 balls for an absurdly uncharacteristic 26 runs.
Ridiculous in itself, but made only more so when he was the penultimate wicket of the match, treading on his stumps as he defended a Jhye Richardson delivery to point. Oblivious to the jeering zinging bail behind him, Buttler contemplated a single, before delighted celebrating Australian fielders ruined his evening in a way that only delighted celebrating Australian fielders can.
Two-nil down then, with Root having further salt rubbed into his wounds (best not to visualise this) by Labuschagne replacing him as the number one ranked Test batter. England wheels were dangling at the very end of their axles.
Enter human lug wrench, Scott Boland.
Scott Boland. (Photo by Chris Hyde/Getty Images for Cricket Australia)
There were only a couple of overs left in the second day of the MCG Test when Boland was thrown the ball for the first time in England’s second innings. Root was at the crease, England were 60 behind. One solid day of batting on the third day of the Test could get them back into not just the match, but the series.
Instead, finally, unequivocally, the wheels came off.
With the frenetic precision of a Formula One pit crew, Boland opened his second innings account with the wicket of Haseeb Hameed third ball, caught behind. Two balls later, the nightwatching Jack Leach left a ball that hit the top of off stump.
Despite his success at the end of the second day, Boland (2/1 off one over) wasn’t given the ball again until the eleventh over of the third day. By then, England had moved from 4/31 to 5/56, with Stokes the man out.
Jonny Bairstow was first to fall in Boland’s new spell, LBW to a double-umpire’s-call decision on the fifth ball of his first over of the day (3/5 off two overs).
Next over, MCG-Lovin’ (the name on his fake ID) found Root’s edge, and David Warner held the catch at slip (4/5 off three overs).
Boland completed his five-wicket haul first ball of his next over, smartly pouching a return catch from Wood. He tossed the ball away before picking it back up and bashfully raising it to the crowd for a celebratory split-second.
The nineteen balls it had taken him to take five wickets was the equal fastest in Test history. Two balls later, he had six, Robinson caught by Labuschagne at slip.
Boland finished with 6/7 off four overs. Bay 13 bowed in homage to the effort. Commentators called for statues to be built. The Johnny Mullagh Medal for player of the match in the Boxing Day Test was awarded to a fellow indigenous cricketer. England were all out for 68. The Ashes were decided.
Boland had not only removed the wheels, but stripped bare the entire England cricket machinery, leaving only a husk rusting away in the middle of the MCG.
All things considered, a half-decent Test debut. To paraphrase legendary enthusiast of wheel-optional cars, Back To The Future’s Doc Brown: ‘Great, Scott!’
Dan Liebkehttps://https://ift.tt/gYVDr1F conniptions, Root’s cracked nuts and Boland’s 6/7: The Ashes at peak ridiculous
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